Home > Humor > Help me help you help me.

Help me help you help me.

Since launching http://www.CoreyWdeVos.com nearly 24 hours ago (the dark ages of the internet, as everyone knows… how far we’ve come) I have been approached by not millions, not thousands, not even hundreds of people, but one beautifully sentient holon, all of him asking:

“Corey, this pitifully transparent attempt for some sort of information-age immortality project is, without a doubt, one of the most important pitifully transparent websites I have ever come across—and believe me, there have been many.  What can I do to help your vanity project truly stand out in the noise of today’s digital scurry?”

Well Corey, this one is for you. (Coincidently, his name was also Corey.  That kind of stuff freaks me out sometimes, as you can read about here.  Another weird coincidence: he and I are also the same person. I talk to myself sometimes.)

I have been engaging in a comprehensive social-media marketing strategy—shifting some paradigms, revolutionizing outside the box, and synergizing with natural systems—and I would like to share it with you.  I am sure by now you have already followed this to its inevitable conclusion: you are one of the luckiest people to have ever walked the face of this planet. You’re welcome.

I have drawn from a rich palette of highly successful and well respected advertising gurus*, learning from their almost transcendent mastery of linguistic subtlety and grace, and have used what I have learned to create what I am about to give you—much like a painter uses different colors to create his masterpiece.

I believe I have indeed given birth to that masterpiece.  What you might call a magnum opus of marketing copy.  A chef-d’œuvre of subliminal manipulation. A pièce de résistance of friendly (yet patently irresistible**) brainwashing that will politely bash through your skull, tenderly carve through your neocortex and limbic system, and affectionately kick your reptilian brain stem squarely in the nuts***.

Make no mistake, this is a Sistine Chapel of social-media advertising.  It’s some heavy shit.  And I want to share it with you all.  Because it totally benefits me.

Here’s what you do: simply copy and paste the following copy into your various social media websites, and with almost no effort I will be guaranteed a lifetime of endless prosperity.  Which, of course, will totally benefit you in the end—after all, you will know that I am happy, and that should make you feel good.

Are you ready? Are you sure? Okay, here it is:

SPECIAL OFFER: Go 2 http://www.CoreyWdeVos.com now, and read some blog posts 4 FREE!

Now featuring FREE written essays that you can probably read FOR FREE a dozen other places on the web! A full range of exclusive alphanumeric symbols and punctuation marks, all arranged JUST FOR YOU in various patterns, using the mysterious powers of GRAMMAR to teleport meaning directly into your brain! FOR FREE!

Featuring English translations of all blog posts!


Visit http://www.CoreyWdeVos.com now, walk around to the other side of your computer, and get an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at CoreyWdeVos.com!  Try it now, IT’S FREE!

Visit http://www.CoreyWdeVos.com for FREE right now, and receive a FREE RSS FEED as a FREE GIFT, from me to you! No strings attached! It’s FREE!

Unlimited time only; ACT NOW!


http://www.CoreyWdeVos.com. Putting the “CoreyWdeVos” back into “www.CoreyWdeVos.com”

* Ginsu, ExtenZe, and Bill Harris****

** Patent pending

*** If you are differently-genitaled and cannot be kicked in the nuts, it will punch you in the boob.

**** Just kidding, Bill.

***** (FREE!)

Categories: Humor Tags: , , ,
  1. July 23, 2009 at 12:25 pm

    LMAO Brilliant!

  2. atinyspeckofdust
    July 28, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Best Part: Bill Harris lolol

  1. July 24, 2009 at 1:21 pm

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